Choosing a companion to spend one’s life with is a decision of the greatest consequence in the path. Perhaps the best response to the many questions that are asked about marital suitability and the tariqa is that disciples may marry anyone they want, as long as the following condi­tions are met:

(1)  That the prospective spouse share one’s own vision of Islam and be religious, meaning that they follow one of the four Sunni schools of jurisprudence (madhhabs), pray the five prayers, and if female, cover correctly. They do all of this before ever hearing of marriage. Someone who doesn’t pray but “comes from a good family” is absolutely unacceptable, and one must not be pressured by family members into marrying someone of this description. One’s children could end up in hell by following their example.

(2)  That the prospective spouse agree that the household will be run according one of the four Sunni schools of jurisprudence (madhhabs) in all matters; if Hanafi, for example, that there be nothing unlawful according to the school in any of the family’s dealings.

(3)  That the prospective spouse know that one has a tariqa and sheikh and what this entails, knows that one goes to the weekly majalis and yearly suhbas, and that one’s main interest is Allah. If the person also has a tariqa, it must be an authentic one, meaning at minimum that the sheikh and disciple know that the Sacred Law is above the sheikh, the disciple, and everyone else.

(4)  That the husband be the man of the family, and the big decisions return to his istikhara or ‘prayer of guidance.’

(5)  That the husband have a lawful income by which he can support a wife and free her from the need to work, providing for her a bayt shar‘i or ‘house guaranteed by Sacred Law,’ meaning her own house which she runs, and has complete security in and everything else she needs, according to the standard enjoyed by women of similar social standing in the same town; and that none of her husband’s family can come into her house, meddle, give advice about her children, count her spoons, or anything else, unless she wants them to. If she doesn’t get along with in-laws, the husband can visit them himself in their home. If a man in the tariqa wants to get married, he has to be able to provide all this. Otherwise, he must make plans for the future, with Allah’s help. One need not obey parents’ demands to marry if one is unable to provide a wife with these basic rights guaranteed by Sacred Law.

   It is often preferable wait to marry until one has achieved a sound footing in the tariqa. New converts to Islam in particular should practice and adjust to their religion for a year or two before taking on the additional challenge of marriage. If one suffers from temptation, one may request the “Settling One’s Grounds” program from the sheikh.

ANYONE who marries someone with the above stipulations marries with the sheikh’s complete blessing and best wishes, although there is baraka in seeking his permission. Other rules for disciples who are married or considering marriage are found in the booklet “Marriage,” which is available on request.

(Selection from The Shadhili Tariqa) MCMXCIX © N. Keller